Politics
Ariel Sharon
Corpse Prime Minister
By Shmuel Neumann January 13, 2006
Corpse Bride -- an animated farcical horror flick in which a dead woman believes that a live man has asked for her hand in marriage, and then responds accordingly -- illustrates humorously what can happen when people get what they wish for, or perhaps what they deserve. Something similar is happening, tragicomically, in Israel.
With his two sons on their way to jail despite his concessions, and likely facing jail time himself when the truth was fully revealed, the latest evidence of his corruption caused our Prime Minister to explode in rage. Or at least his brain did. He was first reported brain dead and then placed on life support, so that, medically speaking, he is only clinically dead: serious but stable. Yet now, we are told, his limbs twitch in response to pain and his blood pressure increases when addressed by his beloved sons.
In fact, our larger than life Prime Minister has the best of both worlds. His Corpulence continues, from his hospital bed, to dominate the media and command the government even though he ceases to exist in the manner of homo sapiens, lacking human consciousness. He is dead, for all practical purposes; he just doesn't know it. One Prime Minister was assassinated by his secret service, and now another Prime Minister is probably medically assassinated or at least manslaughtered by his own doctors.
Yet our fearless brain dead leader refuses to give up the ghost. While his body is kept alive artificially, and a quarter of his skull is sawed-off and frozen for safekeeping, he is for all practical purposes dead but not buried -- for political reasons. He is Corpse Prime Minister, whose intentions -- or what are ascribed to be his intentions -- are perpetuated indefinitely and incontrovertibly by the very same folks who worked him, and then medicated him, to sort-of-death.
This pliable and very popular sort-of-dead Prime Minister is the answer to everyone's dream, especially those who pressured him to give up Gaza and northern Samaria under threat of jailing his two sons. He gave them what he thought they wanted. But it turns out they wanted more: for starters, the whole of Judea and Samaria and at least half of Jerusalem. Corpse Prime Minister, under a shroud of secrecy, is actively campaigning and has garnered the number one slot of the Kadima party although he did not sign the papers before he was unable to.
Such technicalities pose no deterrent to the mighty Corpse Prime Minister. Corpse Prime Minister has already reversed himself on the issue of Palestinian elections in Jerusalem. He now not only allows it, but will permit Hamas to campaign in Jerusalem. Corpse Prime Minister expects to close a deal with the elected Palestinian officials right after the January elections. It makes no difference if Hamas wins. You make Peace with your enemies.
By switching hats they remain enemies and continue to get ?painful concessions? as all previous agreements were dead ends. But the Corpse Prime Minister feels no pain, except from pinch tests and the sound of his sons' voices. Corpse Prime Minister had a brainstorm and now recognizes that 2,000 Iraqi shells laden with Anthrax and Sarin stored in underground facilities in the Lebanon's Beka Valley give Israel no choice but to surrender first Sheba Farms, then the rest of the Golan and perhaps part of the Galilee.
No plots are needed for a Corpse living artificially and agelessly. No land is needed in a missile age. Corpse Prime Minister has also reversed himself on further unilateral disengagements. He ordered the destruction of a neighborhood in Hebron, and neighborhoods of Ofra, Yitzhar, Bracha, Elon Moreh and Nevei Daniel. Corpse Prime Minister is dead set against Jews who want to live on land legally purchased. In his haste to escalate the disengagement from Judea, so he ordered his private police corps to smash the skulls of Jewish youth who dare demonstrate against this insanity and resist further expulsions.
After all, why should he be alone in suffering a coma? Corpse Prime Minister has gotten tough on settlers who obstruct demolition of Jewish homes, ordering the use of tear gas and pepper gas on Jewish youth. And we thought only Germans were authorized to gas Jews! Anaesthesia is in these days, even if euthanasia is out. Feeling sympathy for fellow vegetation, Corpse Prime Minister has gotten tough only on alleged tree abusers.
And to punish those who may some day potentially abuse a tree, Corpse Prime Minister ordered all the dogs removed from the Kfar Tapuach kennel. Corpse Prime Minister may finally put a stop to those whining homeless Jews he threw out of Gaza and Northern Samaria. Sure they're homeless, but at least they're not in as bad a shape as he is. Corpse Prime Minister can finally lead by example. From now on, every victim of a terror attack will be brought to the decomposing dictator and feel grateful to be alive no matter how disfigured, maimed and disabled.
And even the clinically dead and dismembered may be restored to glorious life on machines. Corpse Prime Minister has nothing to lose, so next time there is a war, it will be a fight to the death. He reportedly blood-pressured his aides the following message: "Any further negotiations will be over my dead body." To motivate his new following of young people, and new political allies, he is reportedly twitching to establish a Peace Corpse. As for the slogans being considered for his new political party, Kadima [Hebrew for "Forward"], the favorite is "Look Forward to Death."
With renewed esprit de corpse, lightweights and deadweights from every other political party are rushing in. Everybody is dying to join. Why live on as a nation when, under his leadership, we can join Corpse Prime Minister in a victory celebration? So ... Kadima! In light of the circumstances, some of his chevra have even suggested renaming his party: Kadisha. But in the spirit of Corpse Bride, perhaps let us call it:
The Till Death Do Us Party. L'chaim!
Vie
